Urgent Press Release from Heaven

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Urgent Press Release from Heaven

April 17th 2010

Heaven’s Angelic Messenger , the Angel Gabriel, has just released an urgent press statement directly from Upper Management in Heaven.

Just over a week ago, a terrible disaster occurred when the crash of an aging Russian airliner ravaged the top levels of Poland’s military, political and church elite last Saturday, killing the Polish president and dozens of other dignitaries as they traveled to a ceremony commemorating a slaughter that has divided the two nations for seven decades just outside Smolensk.

Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk and some cabinet members flew to Smolensk from Warsaw. The president’s twin brother, former Prime Minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski, headed to the area in a chartered plane along with party members.

News of this disaster immediately sent millions of prayers up to Heaven, nearly crashing the European Prayer Switchboard in the Heaven PrayComm Utilities Department.

This kind of prayer traffic has not been experienced since the last Soccer World Cup final, when millions and millions of Italian soccer fans all prayed for Italy to be victorious in the final against France. These prayers were answered, with Italy winning during a penalty shootout, 5-3.

The Heaven PrayComm Utilities Department was barely able to process all the prayers coming in after the latest plane crash disaster. They had to use circuits dedicated to other parts of the globe to prevent a major crash in prayer communications.

It all seemed to work fine, until millions of people got stranded after the Icelandic glacier-covered Eyjafjallajokull volcano erupted, and millions and millions of tons of volcanic ash was blown over parts of Western Europe.

This caused many of Europe’s biggest airports to be closed down, resulting in millions of travelers to be stranded, some of them thousands of miles from home.

This had the effect of millions and millions of more prayers coming in through the already overstressed European Prayer Switchboard in the Heaven PrayComm Utilities Department, resulting in a complete crash throughout the whole system.

It took engineers 16 hours to fix the problem. They had to relay and delay and even in some cases shut down many switchboards. PrayComm estimates that around 15 million prayers got lost during the downtime.

The reason for this press release is to clear a very important matter up. This statement will be released through as many press agencies as possible.

The whole confusion started when some ignorant journalist called the Eyjafjallajokull volcanic eruption an act of God.

Upper Management in Heaven wants to be absolutely clear on this matter, and also take the time to explain the real cause of this disaster.

First of all, it was NOT, and we repeat, NOT, and act of God.

To explain we have to go back a couple of centuries. During the 1400’s, England made a pact with Satan himself. Satan would help them to conquer the world, and accumulate many riches in the process, in exchange for England becoming more and more secular and less and less religious. This deal was struck between Satan and some of only a couple of people in charge of running the British Empire. The British Empire reached the height of its strength during the last century. Secularism did as well.

The whole reasoning behind this deal was that Satan could use the British Empire to get a good foothold all around the world. Empires lead by example, and Satan thought this would be a good idea to put a damper on religion spreading faster through the world.

To make a long story short, this pact still exists between these two parties, although the terms has changed over the last century. Instead of conquering land, the British Empire now conquers financial markets.

The plot thickens here. The Icelandic glacier-covered Eyjafjallajokull volcanic eruption was actually caused by Satan. This was in accordance with the terms of the Satan-British Empire Pact. Iceland had it coming. They defaulted on approximately 6 Billion, with a B, British Pounds of debt they owed the Empire. After Iceland’s currency collapsed, they defaulted on all their foreign debt.

So to be clear, as retribution, Satan caused the volcanic eruption in Iceland. The whole plan backfired when the winds blew the volcanic dust over to Western Europe, causing the whole travel delay disaster.

We could not reach Satan for a comment. When we contacted his PR Office, all we got was a loud voice laughing and laughing, as if it was a big joke to them. Another source told us that Satan was busy striking a deal with the pope, to help the Vatican out of a pickle, and will not be available for comment for quite sometime.

So we hope this clears the matter up. The volcanic eruption was not an act of God. Our prayer channels are all open again, and functioning at 100%. We also sent an Angel down to turn the wind direction away from Western Europe, and more towards the North Pole and Siberia.

Just shows you how the words of one ignorant and stupid reporter can ruin things for everyone. Glad we could clear this matter up. Peace be with all.

Gabriel

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2 thoughts on “Urgent Press Release from Heaven

  1. Tee hee hee. This is very funny, and I assume it’s original since I don’t see a reference.

    A little unsolicited advice: If you want it to go viral I would suggest tightening it up – it’s very detailed, a little too long for sharing. I love the obvious play on Pat Robertson’s “Haiti made a pact with the devil” idiocy. Thanks for the mid-day humor!

    Like

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