The Gospel according to McBrolloks
In the beginning there was God. Nothing else. God was very lonely.
Not only was He an only child, He was also an orphan. Not even God knew where He came from. And there was no way to ever find out.
Living through nothingness can be tedious. So God decided to do something about it all. He snapped His fingers, and set an amazing chain of events into motion.
God created the universe in its entire splendor. A great place to look at, to travel through and to play with. God was not alone anymore.
To pass the time, God started to create lots of interesting things.
In trillions of galaxies God created many stars, with many more planets, all different, with different forms of life on some of them. This kept God very busy. He really enjoyed creating all this life through the whole universe. He was always making more interesting and more complex forms of life as He was going along, always experimenting and getting better and better at it. Since God had no piers, there was no one to judge or criticize His work. He did the best He could, and His work got better and better. Not always perfect, but better and better. This kept Him very busy for a very long time. It made Him very happy too. God was content. For a while…………
When God was peaking with His creative abilities, but nowhere near His best work thus far, He was in the process of creating the planet later know as the planet Earth, with all the animals, plants and, ta-da…….. the first man, whom He called Adam. God made Adam the way He would want someone to be like, someone He would like to be friends with. God just wanted a bit of company. Someone to have a conversation with. Someone who appreciated the little things. Speaking rhetorically for billions of years can get to you. God made a man. God called him Adam. Adam was God’s first friend. Adam was His best invention, so far.
Adam wasn’t made in God’s image. Adam didn’t look like God in the physical sense, but Adam did resemble God in many other ways. Adam was a lot simpler on the mental side, but none the less, a kind of miniature version of God Himself. God had to make a couple of changes to the final version, for Adam to fit in better with his environment, but nothing too drastic. God kept Adam’s mind capacity a lot smaller than God’s was. God didn’t want any competition later. Adam was only to live on the planet Earth. The closest planet Adam would ever be able to live on was so far away, that it would never be possible for him to get there, ever.
For a long time Adam enjoyed all his own personal paradise had to offer. But Adam was not happy. He didn’t have a friend to keep him company. Adam did not complain, but God saw that Adam was unhappy. This did not please God very much. After all He gave Adam. His very ownParadise, where he needed nothing. He had the best of everything all around him 24/7/365. God took action.
God was angry and jealous. Instead of solving the whole problem by making Adam a couple of dogs, He decided to teach Adam a lesson. He made Adam a mate. A female named Eve. Adam didn’t exactly ask for this, but God knew this was in line with what Adam wanted.
She was the same as Adam, but the opposite sex.
God made about 99.99999999% of all the creatures on planet Earth in two sexes, male and female. All except for Adam, who was the only specimen, and therefore made in only one sex, the male sex. God didn’t choose this sex in particular, or because of any special preferences, He just did it that way. Later this had the most terrible effect, in that for thousands and thousands of years, this random choice caused the oppression of female humans all across the planet, just because some people believed that by God choosing the male sex first, He meant for it to be superior to the female sex.
God never intended for Adam and Eve to ever have sex. Since God was not conceived by a deed of sexual intercourse and fertilization, the two creatures He made in His image were not to have any intercourse either. Sexual intercourse was only meant for animals to reproduce and to populate the planet with. Adam and Eve would never die, so there would be no need for them to ever copulate. God tried to make this clear to Adam, but Adam had no idea what God was trying to tell him. Adam had no concept of what sex was. He didn’t understand what God was saying to him, but he nodded and said yes as God was giving him these orders. If only God told him not to do what the animals were doing, he would have understood right away.
God knew what was about to happen. At least he thought he knew exactly what was going to happen. But even God is wrong sometimes, and He never saw this one coming.
The plan was to give Adam his mate. This mate was different from Adam, for a very good reason. God wanted Adam to eventually regret been ungrateful for all God has given him. God wanted Adam to ask Him, or beg Him, to give him back his Paradise, all to himself. God knew Eve would not be happy for long, and He knew she would take it all out on Adam, and this was to drive Adam back to the arms of God. The Master Plan had been set in motion.
As God predicted the plan would work in the beginning, Adam and Eve was living a very happy life in Paradise. They had everything they needed. They had nothing to fear. They spent their days exploring Paradise and enjoying their lives. They would eat the lovely and delicious fruits, drink the fresh spring water, and on occasion, milk from some of the many animals walking around as well as honey from all the bee hives. Life was good. Not a worry in the world. They didn’t even know what it felt like to worry.
Adam had never been happier, but after a while Eve felt as if something was missing. She could not put her finger on it. She asked Adam if he was happy, and always got the same answer: “Yes my darling! Life couldn’t be better. I am very happy. And I have you. What more could I need?” This really annoyed Eve. Adam had no ambition. He was happy with the same old stuff, day in and day out. She thought Adam was a bit thick.
Eve woke up one night, and had a brilliant idea. She finally figured out what it was that was missing. It was right in front of them all this time. Eve thought to herself: “How could I have been so blind all this time?” She was going to set things right, right away. If this makes them happier, then there can be nothing wrong with it.
Not that Adam and Eve even had a sense of what was right and what was wrong. There was no set of rules they lived by. No guide, no morals. This was the Garden of Eden. It was Paradise. Everything was perfect. And they were the keepers, the custodians. They were the ones who had the most favor with God. He basically left them in charge. Not that this title came with any responsibility. They really didn’t have much of a purpose, except to keep God company when He came to visit, but God hadn’t been around since He created Eve.
It all became clear to Eve that night when she woke up with that revelation. All the animals were fucking and multiplying, as part of living their full and wholesome lives. That is, everyone except Adam and Eve. Eve could not stop wondering why they were not required to fuck, like all the other animals in God’s creation. They knew they were special, but why didn’t they ever fuck? Was there something wrong with fucking? It seemed to her that all the animals really enjoyed it. Otherwise, why would they do it so often, and never miss an opportunity to do it?
Eve thought that if they could also enjoy the other pleasures that all of God’s other creations enjoyed, they would be truly happy. Eve thought this was the missing piece of the puzzle. A piece she found and was adamant of putting in the right place to complete the whole picture. Now all she had to figure out, was how exactly this deed gets done.
This problem wasn’t easily solved. Eve had watched the animals closely and with curiosity. The only problem was that it was mostly the males that did the deed to the females. She had never seen a female jump a male during fucking. Could this be done? She knew she didn’t have the right tools to just jump Adam and “give it to him”. Adam was the one with the tools that enabled him to “give it to her”. As far as she could tell, Adam had absolutely no interest in fucking. He never really noticed when the animals were fucking all over the place. To Adam it was as if it was nothing unusual. Eve saw it in a different light now. She was certain she could have Adam see it in the same light as her, all she needed to do was convince him that there is a lot more too this fucking business than they had previously thought.
But how to get Adam to jump her, she thought. She had no idea.
One day, as the sun was setting and they were watching another spectacular sunset in Paradise, Eve looked Adam straight in his eyes. “Adam, why don’t we do any fucking, like all the animals around us?” Adam didn’t even think about this question, and replied with a shrug of his shoulders: “I don’t know.”
Of course this was not the answer Eve was looking for. So she came right out with it: “Do you want to give it a try?” Adam said: “No thanks, it looks like it hurts a lot. Have you seen the expressions on the faces of the animals when they do it? All the noise, and screaming, and scratching, and all the fighting. No thanks, that’s not for me. But why are you so interested in this all of a sudden?”
Eve wasn’t going to give up this easily. She had to think of something else. She was sure she would get what she wanted, she just had to find a way to get Adam to see things her way. There had to be a way to get him to fuck her. How hard could it be?
For the next couple of days, fucking was all Eve could think about, and all she talked about. It was driving Adam insane. He didn’t want to hear anymore about the subject. Eve was relentless. But no matter how much she begged, how much she pleaded, and how much she whined, nothing had the desirable effect on Adam. Women to this day still hadn’t figured out that whining is not an aphrodisiac.
Eve knew she was going to have to try something else. If Adam was not going to “give it to her”, then she was going to find a way to “give it to him”.
Eve was up late one night. She could not sleep. There was a full moon out, and it was very hot. This fucking business was really starting to get to her. Adam was fast asleep. Eve decided to have a closer look at Adam’s tools. He was lying on his back, so it was easy for Eve to get close to it and have a good look at this thing of his. She poked at it with her finger, and it felt really soft. She touched his sack below, and that was also really soft. She got her head really close to his cock, and sniffed it. It smelled like nothing unusual to her. Adam’s sack smelled the same.
All she ever saw Adam do with this tool was piss. He didn’t have to squat down, he could just point and pee away. Then he would give it a good shake, to get all the piss out of the pipe, and go about his business. Eve took Adam’s cock in her hand, and gave it a squeeze. She saw the head pop out. It had a small hole right at the end. This must be where the pee comes out, she thought. She gave it a bit of a tug, then a bit of a shake, like Adam does after he took a pee. To her surprise, she felt Adam’s cock give a bit of a jolt. It was as if it was slowly waking up out of a deep sleep. She gave it another squeeze, another tug, and another shake.
Eve couldn’t believe her eyes. Adam’s cock was getting bigger and bigger and harder and harder. She knew she was breaking the code. She was solving the mystery. She was getting closer and closer to get some fucking done. She was going to do this, even if Adam was sleeping through the whole thing. After all, if he doesn’t want to do it, then he doesn’t even have to know about this. But she is not going to give up until she got what she wanted.
Adam stirred. Eve let go of his hard cock, and watched him. He just grunted in his sleep. She really didn’t want to wake him up. She knew he would be very upset. She waited a while, to make sure he falls back into his deep sleep. Eve was onto something, and she was not about to let it go.
After a while, Eve started the whole arousal process all over again. Very very gently, and very very carefully. Adam was still sleeping lying on his back. When Adam’s cock was hard again, Eve carefully climbed on top of him. She held his stiff cock in one hand, supported her weight with the other, and lowered herself down slowly onto his tool. She knew that this member of Adam’s had to penetrate her right between her legs. She had learned this from careful observation watching all the animals while they were fucking.
After a couple of attempts, Eve finally got Adam’s cock to slip up inside her. Eve was overtaken by pleasure. She had never felt this good before, ever! She made slow and gentle movements with her pelvis. This just intensified the pleasure she felt. Adam was as hard as a rock, and still sleeping. Eve knew if she woke him up now, he would freak out. She kept going, careful and gently, because this was just too good to be true, and she didn’t want Adam interrupting her.
As Eve was riding Adam’s hard cock, she felt the pleasure getting more and more intense, until she finally exploded into a rapturous orgasm that made her whole body shake uncontrollably. Just as this happened, Adam started to wake up, and before he could figure out what was going on, he too had a rapturous orgasm. Adam had no idea what was happening to him, but he could not move. He didn’t want to move. He was in a total state of ecstasy.
As their orgasm winded down, Eve rolled of Adam and lay on her back next to him. They we’re both breathing heavily. Adam was still trying to figure out what had just happened. Eve was totally surprised. Never in a billion years would she have guessed that fucking could be this much fun. Eve had a big grin on her face. Adam had a total look of surprise and shock on his face.
Adam rolled on his side, looked at Eve, and said: “Did we just fuck?” Eve rolled her eyes and said: “No shit!!!!!! You are smarter that I thought!” To her surprise Adam smiled at her. She was expecting him to be furious. Adam moved a little closer to Eve, looked her straight in the eyes, and said: “Well then, mind showing me how it’s done?” This bowled Eve over. She could not believe her own eyes or ears. But she was happy to oblige Adam on this one. She told Adam to lie on his back again, which he did right away. She then began to fondle his cock and his balls, like she did earlier. And wha-la!!! Adam got an instant erection. She mounted him again. Adam was grunting with pleasure, and Eve was groaning from ecstasy. They both came again, very hard, and then lay on their backs looking up at the stars and the lovely full moon. They were both smiling from ear to ear.
It took them a while to catch their breaths. Adam, still breathing heavily, said to Eve: “Wow, so that is what all the fuss you were making is about!!!!!!!! I can’t believe we didn’t try this a long time ago!” Eve replied with: “Well, it isn’t like I didn’t try to talk you into this! You were just too stubborn!” Adam said: “Yes, you’re right! But now that I think about it, this is what God tried to tell me. God told me that there is no need for us to do this. He was actually against it. I think he told me never to ever do that.” Eve rolled her eyes again: “Well, are you sorry now?” Adam said: “No way!!!! This is great. I think we should do it again!”
And off they went! They fucked the whole night through. They tried other positions. They even started to invent foreplay, a bit of fondling down there before the big act. This worked well.
When the sun came up, they were exhausted. They slept in each others arms halfway through the day. When they woke up, they went to get some food. They were ravished from all the fucking. Food had never tasted this good before. They indulged themselves with the finest fruits Paradise had to offer.
This wonderful discovery sparked a new flame in Adam and Eve’s relationship. Adam was all of a sudden very interested in everything Eve had to say. He also followed her orders down to the last detail. Eve knew right away that all this was totally to her benefit. She even tested Adams servitude by telling him to do menial and stupid things. Adam didn’t mind, as long as he could have all the sex he wanted.
Eve knew she held all the cards. Whenever Adam wanted sex, she would ask him to do something for her. Adam always complied. Eve felt very powerful and she knew she was in charge now. She started making lots of little plans. She even went as far as to ask Adam to build them a bed. Then they moved the bed into a nice cave. Then Adam had to clean out the cave. Then Adam had to get mud from the river bed, and lay down a nice floor. Then Adam had to plaster the walls with mud. And not just any mud, it was mud from a riverbed that was 6 miles away. Eve liked that color.
All this kept Adam very busy. Some nights he was too tired to fuck. Eve didn’t mind at all. She could have sex whenever she wanted. Adam would not give her any peace if she didn’t keep him that busy with all her requests. But Adam was a horny bastard. He worked hard, and he got plenty of fucking in. It was basically the only think Adam could think about all day long.
A couple of months after that night when Eve first mounted Adam, they started to notice Eve’s stomach was growing. The bump got bigger and bigger every week. Eve knew that she was going to have a baby. She had seen it many times in Paradise. The animals would have babies and the babies would grow up to be like the parents. This made her even bossier around Adam. Adam had to make their cave really nice now. She wanted only the best for the baby that was on the way. Adam also started to get less and less sex. This frustrated him very much. He was basically addicted to this new drug, and Eve was not giving him enough of it anymore. Adam was growing grumpier by the day. Eve noticed this, and she made sure Adam would get a bit of sex every now and then. It was amazing. Every time Eve wanted Adam to go and do something else, she would let him fuck her, and off he goes whistling and humming, happy as can be. Eve started to use her pussy like a tool. It worked like a charm.
One day while Adam was out in the forest looking for an old tree branch that he could use to make a bench with. There he bumped into God. God had been away for quite some time. He was busy working on other creations in galaxies far far away. Adam was really surprised when he saw God. Adam was startled, and God noticed this right away.
God asked Adam: “How are you Adam? Why are you so surprised to see me?” Adam answered: “Hello God. I wasn’t expecting to see you here. It’s been awhile. How are you?” God replied: “I am doing well. I just stopped by to see how you were doing. How is Eve? How are you guys getting along?” Adam’s throat was very dry. He had trouble getting the words out. “We are doing just fine Lord. I am making our cave really nice. Just the way Eve likes it.” God was giggling inside. He knew this would happen. He thought His plan was working beautifully. It is just a matter of time until Adam begs him to turn the clock back to the way things were before Eve arrived in Paradise. He thought that was why Adam looked so nervous. God was very proud of Himself. He was getting better and better at this creation stuff. Poor Adam didn’t stand a chance. A cunning plan like this, to show him how ungrateful he was. It was poetry in motion. Or so God thought.
God said to Adam: “Well, you should invite me over. I would like to see Eve, and your new cave. It must be coming along nicely.” Adam replied: “Well, eh…..yes…. sure. You can stop by anytime. Eve will be delighted to see you. When were you thinking of coming over?” God replied: “Lets go over there right now and surprise her.” Adam’s face turned as white as snow. “Er…. Ok… sounds good to me Lord……”
They walked over to the cave. God asked Adam: “So Adam, just between Me and you, how are you getting along with Eve? Is she a good friend? Are you happy with the way I made her for you?” God was really enjoying this. He could see the sweat break out on Adam’s forehead. He was clearly very nervous. “Well Lord, you see…….. she has all these ideas………I mean……you know……she has a mind of her own……” God was delighted. He thought His plan was working perfectly. Soon Adam will have to admit he made a huge mistake by longing for a friend, a companion, a mate. He will have to admit that originally, God made everything just perfect. He will have to admit that he will have to leave all matters to God from now on. He will have to admit that meddling with God’s creation can only cause problems and despair. God was biding His time. He wanted to enjoy this a little longer. Little did He know……..
When they arrived at the cave, Adam was clearly distressed while God was gleaming with joy. He could tell Adam was terrified. God thought he must have made Eve a lot nastier than He thought. This bitch was giving poor Adam hell right here in Paradise. God thought His plan was working perfectly. All this creation stuff is becoming child’s play now.
Eve was standing with her back to Adam and God when they walked into the cave. Adam said with a very nervous voice: “Eve, we have a visitor.” Eve spun around with a surprised look on her face that turned to a look of horror right away when she saw God standing there next to Adam. God’s facial expression turned from one with glee to one of horror and anger when He saw Eve’s huge stomach. God was furious. God was disappointed. God was about to explode.
God turned to Adam. He was furious. Adam was about to faint. God screamed at Adam: “So this is what you get up to hey? I turn my back for one minute, and you go and fuck her. I give you a friend, a companion, and I ask you to do one thing for me, just one thing, didn’t I? Didn’t I tell you not to fuck her? Wasn’t I clear on that?” Adam was speechless. He didn’t know what to say. He tried to talk, but couldn’t get any words out. When he finally managed to speak, he said to God: “It wasn’t my fault! I didn’t start it. It was Eve! She did it! It was her idea! You have to believe me Lord!”
God turned to Eve. “Well, what do you have to say for yourself?”
Eve was really upset now. Adam just sold her down the river. Adam liked the fucking as much as she did, if not more. And he goes and sells her out, just like that. What kind of a man was he, she thought.
Eve let it rip: “What do I have to say for myself? Myself? You men are full of shit! Go and blame me for everything. What did I do wrong? So we fucked! Big deal! All over this creation, all day and all night, there are thousands of creatures fucking all the time. What is wrong with that? What is the big deal? Yes, we fucked, and we like it! You should try it sometime! I don’t know why you are so upset about a little bit of fucking! And look at the bright side! There is going to be one more person here in Paradise.”
God didn’t expect this. He would never have thought anyone would ever talk back to Him in this fashion. He was startled. He was still taking everything in that Eve had just said to Him. “Wow” He thought. “I created a monster. Poor Adam didn’t have a chance against this creature. I should have thought this through a little better. This is a crisis!”
God looked straight at Eve. Eve was glaring back at him, with viper eyes.
God shouted: “No way will you keep on living here in my Paradise with all your special privileges. You and Adam’s carefree happy days are over! You want to disobey Me? You want to do what you like? Not under My roof you won’t! There will be no more free food, no more living forever, no more honey without getting stung, and no animal will willingly stand still for you to drink their milk. Paradise as you knew it is gone. The rules have changed. You get to do what you want now, but there is a cost for everything. Since you will be having babies, you will die just like all the other animals and forms of life I have created. Welcome to your new world. I hope it was all worth it!”
Adam was staring at the ground. He was ashamed. He didn’t know what to do. He looked up at God, and tried to plead. “Please Lord, don’t do this. It was a mistake. I am sorry. It won’t happen again. I promise!” Adam was crying his eyes out now. Eve looked at Adam and thought to herself: “How pathetic! Doesn’t he have any pride? He shouldn’t have to be afraid of God. He is weak.” God wasn’t listening. He took one look at Eve, and said to her: “And you! You put him up to this. You will pay for this for the rest of your life. You will pay for this for generations and generations, for ever and ever. I will make sure you suffer. You will have great pain when you deliver your babies. There will never ever be another Paradise for you! Never! You hear!!!!!!!!”
Then God disappeared in a huff.
Adam and Eve stared at each other. They couldn’t believe what just happened. They didn’t talk about it for a long time. They just went on with their lives like every other day. Eve was about to give birth, so they decided to stay in their cave. This latest incident had brought them closer together. Eve was nicer to Adam, and Adam did everything Eve asked of him. They were actually happy together, all things considered.
It wasn’t hard to get food, it wasn’t hard at all. There were plenty of fruit trees around. They didn’t miss drinking milk all that much either. Adam and Eve did become a lot more resourceful and this led to some of the first human inventions over a period of years.
Life was good to them, and they had two lovely boys in a very short time. Adam wished God was around to see them grow up. He missed his old friend, but God was nowhere to be found.
God was so upset that He went to a galaxy far far away from planet Earth. God felt like His plans blew up in His face. He just wanted to teach Adam a little lesson. He never wanted any of this to happen. He was also a little embarrassed. He knew He overreacted. He didn’t have to get so angry. It was all partly His fault too. He sort of missed Adam. He really wanted to see how Adam’s children were growing up. He wanted to go back and make things right, but He couldn’t go back on His word. What kind of a message would that send?
Adam and Eve lived a happy and good life. They watched their children grow up. Even though they were growing older, life was good to them, and they couldn’t ask for anything more.
They told their children about God. How He had created everything, and how He left after they had broken one off His rules. They didn’t exactly tell the children which rule they broke, and made up a story about some fruit in a tree they weren’t allowed to eat, and a snake that caused it all to fall apart. These stories later became legend, as it was passed from generation to generation, with each generation adding a bit more spice to the stories for entertainment sake.
Many centuries later these stories got hijacked by a bunch of ambitious men who wanted to control everybody else. This worked well for a while, but later this system got hijacked again by men who were even more sinister and this process repeated itself several times during the early history of man. Later man had invented many different gods and had many different rules these gods insisted man had to follow. It was all a scam, but nobody knew the difference anymore. It was when these events were taking place that man truly lost its Paradise on planet Earth.